When the tub is no longer sacred

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Let's just talk about what it's like to take a bath with a full leg cast, shall we?
Picture those sitcoms and movies: the tub scene. Relaxing, romantic, sexy, candles lit, a glass of wine, bubbles covering those hot spots they can only show on HBO. Now forget all that and journey with me into the reality of bathing. Handicapped.
Until your mother is wrapping your leg with a 40-gallon garbage bag and duct tape, you dont know what it is to lose your dignity. After 6 days of not showering (thats right, a full 6), my mother decided I should probably try to wash up a little. I, on the other hand, started to have thoughts like "Maybe Im not capable of body odor" and " I really could make it on survivor, this isnt so bad". I finally conceded and crutched my way to the bathroom. She told me to run the water, get in while it was filling to avoid slipping in accidentally, and to not lock the door in case I needed to be rescued. (honestly, at that point, just let me go to be with the Lord, for everyones sake). Getting into the tub like that is like the opposite of getting into a cold swimming pool. Instead of lowering yourself in slowly and warming up, you are freezing until it fills completely!! Anyway, it all seemed fine and good looking at the tub, but once I was in it and alone, it was another story completely. She has fancy shmancy jacuzzi tub, so it is as deep as the kiddie end at the Y pool, and the jets sound good until they are shooting you and you are offended because of where they are going! I decide the best position would be sideways, so that i could keep my body under water while my left leg could stay straight up in the air (hot). Now, let me just let you in on a little secret: you are not so hot when you have contorted your body in such a way as to keep your leg flying high and the rest of you sideways in a tub!! You see parts of your body youve never seen; and even when you did picture them, you thought theyd be way cuter. Well, theyre not. So now youre feeling like you not only need to get over your surgery, but you would like to go back under the knife for some lypo and a lift. This tub was not at all making me feel better.
I did everyhting in my power to wash, shave, scrub, and exfoliate in record time so that I could remove myself from that awful porceline hellhole and put some damn clothes on!! My advice is if you ever get hurt, God forbid, keep the deodorant nearby and just keep a big sweatshirt on to mask the odor. Your hair, if not seen by you in a mirror, cannot look that bad. And your family loves you and would never judge or mock you (to your face).
Optimistic part of the whole ordeal---I only had to shave one leg. :)