Sunday, November 5, 2006

When the tub is no longer sacred

Sunday, November 05, 2006

Let's just talk about what it's like to take a bath with a full leg cast, shall we?
Picture those sitcoms and movies: the tub scene. Relaxing, romantic, sexy, candles lit, a glass of wine, bubbles covering those hot spots they can only show on HBO. Now forget all that and journey with me into the reality of bathing. Handicapped.
Until your mother is wrapping your leg with a 40-gallon garbage bag and duct tape, you dont know what it is to lose your dignity. After 6 days of not showering (thats right, a full 6), my mother decided I should probably try to wash up a little. I, on the other hand, started to have thoughts like "Maybe Im not capable of body odor" and " I really could make it on survivor, this isnt so bad". I finally conceded and crutched my way to the bathroom. She told me to run the water, get in while it was filling to avoid slipping in accidentally, and to not lock the door in case I needed to be rescued. (honestly, at that point, just let me go to be with the Lord, for everyones sake). Getting into the tub like that is like the opposite of getting into a cold swimming pool. Instead of lowering yourself in slowly and warming up, you are freezing until it fills completely!! Anyway, it all seemed fine and good looking at the tub, but once I was in it and alone, it was another story completely. She has fancy shmancy jacuzzi tub, so it is as deep as the kiddie end at the Y pool, and the jets sound good until they are shooting you and you are offended because of where they are going! I decide the best position would be sideways, so that i could keep my body under water while my left leg could stay straight up in the air (hot). Now, let me just let you in on a little secret: you are not so hot when you have contorted your body in such a way as to keep your leg flying high and the rest of you sideways in a tub!! You see parts of your body youve never seen; and even when you did picture them, you thought theyd be way cuter. Well, theyre not. So now youre feeling like you not only need to get over your surgery, but you would like to go back under the knife for some lypo and a lift. This tub was not at all making me feel better.
I did everyhting in my power to wash, shave, scrub, and exfoliate in record time so that I could remove myself from that awful porceline hellhole and put some damn clothes on!! My advice is if you ever get hurt, God forbid, keep the deodorant nearby and just keep a big sweatshirt on to mask the odor. Your hair, if not seen by you in a mirror, cannot look that bad. And your family loves you and would never judge or mock you (to your face).
Optimistic part of the whole ordeal---I only had to shave one leg. :)

Tuesday, October 17, 2006


Tuesday, October 17, 2006

As you may have heard, Ive been without food for the last ten days. I was detoxing, using the Master Cleanse, and what a detox it was. The first few days sucked, but then it was smooth sailing. I was really torn over whether or not to go on or just stop at day 10. Because of certain circumstances, my surgery and FOOD in general, I will be ending it on Thursday. Ive never wanted to eat so bad in my life. Im glad I did it, though, and if anyone else would like to try it just ask me, Ill give you all the gory details.

Happy cleansing

Monday, October 16, 2006

...and the vacation lives on

Monday, October 16, 2006

So you know how I like to collect money from the government, right?

And so it goes, Im still out of work. I was teetering on the completion of "Dancing Ankle Injury 2006" when, whats this, doctor? A tear in my what? Why are you drawing a diagram on my ankle? Its fine!! Im fine! oh, im, ok, didnt see that coming. Great, let me just call work...

Great fucking day
Visit soon

Thursday, September 28, 2006

Believe It

Thursday, September 28, 2006

The Best Revenge Is Living Well...

*sinister laugh*

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Get it outttttttt

Sunday, September 17, 2006

Do it all
Do what you always wanted
Do as you please
Do what I never let you
Do what our life didnt allow
Do what makes you happy
Do what makes me sick...

Taken away
Taken from
Taken in
Taken back
Taken to a place
Taken for a ride
Taken for granted

Im gonna go on without you
Im gonna be happy without you
Im gonna smile without you
Im gonna be real without you
Im gonna cry without you
Im gonna find love without you
Im gonna be good without you
Im gonna be bad without you
Im gonna be mad without you
Im gonna be true without you
Im gonna be a friend without you
Im gonna be great without you
Im gonna move on without you...

Wednesday, September 6, 2006

AAAAAAUUUGGGHHHH, Im So fucking Bored!

Wednesday, September 06, 2006

The subject pretty much says it all. Im stuck here in my house because, of all the feet I have, i had to injure the RIGHT one, the driving one for you slow learners, and I cant go ANYWHERE!! I have filled out 3 surveys today alone!!! Please please please if anyone is bored or has anything they need done that doesnt require two feet, please feel free to drop by. The backdoor is open.

Thursday, August 31, 2006

For My Cousin, Jon...

Thursday, August 31, 2006

From March 17, 2005

I sleep, and you are there.

In life we never crossed
As children, running and playing
Dreaming now a new world
Friendship and love
You are always there with me
How would I know
Took advantage of Earth time
Not always enough for everyone to share

In an altered state of mind
We meet
You teach me til I awake
Its not real then
Or is it?

See you in my dreams

Monday, August 21, 2006

What I Did On My Summer Vacation...

Monday, August 21, 2006

So, you know how I'm into go-go dancing, right?
Picture it: Saturday night, the outfits are hot, the drinks are flowing, the shoes are cute and so are the boys...
Wait, no no no, thats not it at all...
So we are going out for my friend Jara's birthday, good times with friends. Of course theres the art of pregaming, so we end up at Dirty Drunk Diehl's Dirty Drinking Palace and start the night off right. (Actually, he's wasted and none of us catch a buzz between his obnoxious antics and the lack of good liquor (tattoo = no good)). We finally decide where to go, get into the cars and buckle in for safety (of course) when taco bell arrives. As Diehl is smashing a surprise burrito into his jib (thats for you), we are calling 411 and trying to get directions to the lezzy bar the birthday girl has chosen (not that theres anything wrong with that). We arrive after a lovely conversation with the bouncer over the phone, pay the cheap ass cover and are all excited for a good night. Beverages are a-flowin and the music is a-pumpin. Lets see, from there there were a couple bathroom breaks, a couple shots, a couple drinks, and a couple smoke sessions out on the lenai (and yes, it was a lenai, as in GG, spitting image, uncanny). And then it goes to, well, shit. The convo was light, the ladies were wild, and the boys were prettier than Hef's 8 girlfriends. Im struttin my stuff, very Im-here-to-have-fun but not too Im-here-for-some-lady-lovin, when I start feelin the music. There I am, mindin my own business, bringing Sexyback, when low and behold, I find a stage. I must be up there, my little mind thinks, and there I go, in all my straight-girl-in-a-lesbian-bar-glory, dancin the night away.
Flash forward 18 seconds. Im on the floor. In the middle of the dance floor. In the middle of the bar. In the middles of the lezzies. Whats a self-respecting girl to do? I proceed to laugh, cutely giggling, attempting to crawl back onstage and continue my run, when, whats this? I have lost all use of my right ankle? In my scared and buzzed state I panic, and I break down. Thats right, I wanted to stay tough for my girl-loving girls, but I broke...I cried. All of a sudden a flock of lesbians come running and whisk me off the floor. It was like a scene from a B movie starring Jennifer Tilly and a no name girl trying to "find herself" through cunnilingus. Anyway, Im thrown into the getaway car weeping like a child fresh from the womb. I insist I am fine and well enought to move on to the next hot spot, but I am coerced by my friend Jess to visit the local hospital. I agree, and by agree I mean I cannot stop crying.
We are at the hospitral for 4 and a half hours. During this time we run into some lovely characters, like the nurses that steered us in the wrong direction and got us lost, followed by the spunky yet smart ass male nurse. Yes, I said male nurse, who thought his quick wit and mildly disrespectful remarks about how wasted I was might get him a date, if not with the pretty friend, then with the passed out, swollen, snot-covered, hysterically injured one. Once it was determined that I was not a shitty drunk mess, I was fed and Vicodin (fuck diamonds being a girls best friend) and was sent off to a farawawy land I call LaLa...
Before I know Im cracking back at the asshole whos putting on my aircast (for injuries that arent really injuries) and being wheeled to my brothers car (he'd been hanging with Toby Keith when I called him, what a guy). I arrived at home after some hot flashes and antics in the car (the pill was on an empty stomach, mind you), but not before almost being rushed back to the hospital with some close calls on the stairs.
I woke up in pain, puking, hungry, and feeling defeated. Who knew an innocent night on the lesbain town with my best friends would turn into me being laid up on my first vacation week in a year. Sad story. I am now reduced to laying on the couch, taking in too much TV even for me, only eating when someone decides to drop by and feed me, hopping like a bunny from room to room, suffering from sore pits from my crutches, riding in Mart Carts through Target like a woman in her 80s with osteoperosis, and showering while sitting on a plastic Ikea end table from my bedroom.
Stop by if you want this week, you know where Ill be...

Wednesday, June 7, 2006

White Oleander

Wednesday, June 07, 2006

"The fear of heights is the fear of self; you never know if you're going to jump..."

Saturday, June 3, 2006

Futures Have a Way of Falling Down Midflight

Saturday, June 03, 2006

8 years died today

80 more were born

Friday, May 26, 2006


Friday, May 26, 2006

i cant take this fucking life anymore. im on a constant rollercoaster, by no fault but my own. i cant do this. who does this. i need a way out and their are none left. none

Thursday, May 11, 2006

"The Safety Circle"

Thursday, May 11, 2006

My apartment will now be known as the "Safety Circle", and in the "Safety Circle", we dont judge...

Sunday, February 5, 2006

My Superbowl 40 Experience

Sunday, February 05, 2006

So it looked like quite a lovely night in Detroit tonight. The lights were gleaming in the arena, the players were greased and ready to go. I was not overly hyped to partake in the viewing of tonights game, but i just kept hearing "...but its the SUPERBOWL!" coming from an excited yet annoying voice on the couch next to me. Well, at around 7:15, I decided to take a little "rest", and the next thing I knew, I woke up to a black-and-yellow confetti-filled screen. Very surprising to me, I have to say. Even more strange is that I had a half-awake-half-asleep dream about Bettis, which is frightening in itself. I guess the moral of my pointless story is that I have five Superbowl squares and have no idea if I won money, I said the Seahawks would win and they didnt, and i guess i have pissed off a bunch of people who had to work today and missed the game. Oh well, I hear it was a good one.

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Millers N E 1?

Thursday, January 19, 2006

Im gonna be so upset in the morning...