Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Vote no. Save our ship.

So it is one day after the Supreme Court deliberated and looked again at the decision to keep same-sex marriage banned in California. This means it is one day after the SC pissed on the bill and then kicked it ‘til it cried…again.

You know, today marks a day where a lot of people (Right wing? Religious? Topless Miss Californias all over the world?) are celebrating with a non-alcoholic drink and a dance party consisting of equal parts boys and girls, all covered from neck to feet in ugly garb and keeping 6 inches from each other at all times. I'm sure it's a hoot. Good for them, you know. Maybe they are right. The more I think about it, the more it seems like gay marriage IS a bad idea. My God, think of the repercussions! Let me lay them out for you, one by one, so you too can really decide if we want the sanctity of marriage to be ruined by these awful, awful gays.

First off, all those arguments about the economy, blah blah blah. Do you seriously think that a bunch of gays are gonna throw huge bashes for weddings? With glorious, expensive, and lavish themes? Really? Come on now, if anyone knows the gays, it's me, and they do not like to do things up in such a way that you're blinded by glitter and sequins and diamonds. They are very modest and plain individuals who will not be putting any money into the economy if they are, in fact, finally (FINALLY) granted the right to have a wedding and marry. And the lesbians, come on, they are even less lavish. What, are we expecting them to have enormous guest lists or something? All those mouths to feed? The lesbian community is NOT HUGE or TIGHT KNIT and they don't ALL KNOW EACH OTHER, so just forget it. There's no way our economy would make money off of either of these groups. No marriage for them.

Secondly, I think that the gays could only ruin what we have already established as a successful and sacred tradition. Once they're married, they'll then start having sex, which is exactly what we're trying to avoid! Straight couples wait for the day that they are bonded through the ties of marriage before they ever even think about having intercourse! If we allow gays the same right, all of a sudden they'll start losing their virginities on their wedding nights, just like all of the straight people who are following the Lord's request to wait until that time. No way do we want to allow that! If straight people can wait until marriage and resist the temptation of sex for all those years, then they deserve marriage be kept for themselves and away from the gays.

And another thing… I am so sick and tired of all these gay couples complaining they can't get married. How long have they been together, like a week? The sanctity of marriage is always upheld by straight people and let me tell you, they would never abuse it by eloping because the girl is knocked up, or because they got wasted and thought it was a great idea to get hitched. Never. The gays would probably do this. You are trying to tell me that there are gay couples that have been together for 10, 15, 25 years at this point and now want marriage because they have kids and are getting older and want to make sure their partner and children are protected should anything happen to them? B.S. They would never abide by the traditions straight people uphold of having a full courtship, meeting the parents when the time is right, staying abstinent, going through marriage classes, and giving their courtship ample time to be sure that what they are doing is the absolute right decision for both parties. The gays would probably mess it up and do crazy shit like get married for money, or for status, or because they have run out of options and don't think they'll ever find anyone. What if they start arranging marriages with teens! Can you imagine some cultish thing like that happening??!! They'd probably try to marry soldiers to get the monetary perks of being an army wife/husband. They'd probably troll websites looking for rich men and then get plastic surgery and dye their hair bleach blond and pretend they loved a man 50 years their senior just to inherit his estate. Damn those gays and their sneaky reasons for getting married. Straight people would NEVER sink so low.

The last thing I have to say is that gays marrying will totally mess up the family model as we know it. Families need two parents and I can't see two gays staying together after kids. I mean, I work hard for my money, and I am so tired of my tax dollars going toward these gays who just have, like, 6 kids and can't take care of them! Why are they so irresponsible? Why do they keep getting pregnant by accident? All my tax dollars going to their welfare payments? Birth control, gays, birth control. Why can't they take on the good practices of the straight people and wait and plan and make sure that they want the children and that they don't have multiple accidents. Straight people plan it out so well that they know, like, the exact day and time of conception! They don't just go out and get drunk and knocked up and then either neglect their kids or have abortions. Now I believe abortion is a woman's right... but really lesbians, let's stop using it as birth control, eh? I mean, I wish that gays understood how important children are and how they need loving parents. You don't see one straight parent taking off on the other and leaving their kids to wonder why mommy or daddy left them, do you? And please, gays, if you're gonna have all these unwanted kids, please put them up for adoption. Do you even understand how important adoption is to parents who can't have biological kids?

America, stand by your decision to not allow gays to marry. They're not even real people, anyway, so how can their relationships be real? Really they're just actors and designers or characters on TV, you don't know any real gays, so just stick to your guns. They don't stay together forever like marriage says to, like straight people do. They won't take the vows as seriously as the straight people do either. They will just take advantage of this sacred rite that the straight people have cultivated and nurtured for thousands of years. Please, just read this and don't think it through much