Take me HOME FROM this ballgame...

Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Get Me OUT OF the crowd!!! I dont want peanuts, crackerjacks, or even BEER!!! I just want a quiet weekend at home with the Golden Girls and a puzzle book. Maybe throw in the pups and a snack, but that's it! So as you saw earlier: 3 games. 3 days. 3 too many for my taste, to be honest. We all know, though, that sometimes what makes someone else happy is more important than our own happiness for a bit (yeah, who's the idiot that came up with that!). Sooooo, Donia has been a doll and bought us tickets for 10 games this season at Safeco field between the A's and the Mariners. Isnt she sweet? (Fun Fact: Those 20 tickets all together were as much as our two Kanye tickets. But hey, who's countin, right?) Ill just give you a brief synopsis of my 2008 baseball season thus far. The fans here are pussies. Plain and simple. Im basing this on my past experiences with baseball games at both Yankee stadium and Fenway park. Now I know its the oldest rivalry in sports, the Yanks and the Sox, but those games were violent! Brutal! All out madness! These games were, Im guessing, geared more toward the beseball lover that also holds a deep love for kittens, saving the planet, and all things Elton (John, that is. You know, the fantastic, fabulous, and all-time favorite flamer of the gays and showtune-lovin straighties alike.) No one talked shit! No one said anyhting about our A's hats or Donia's A's t-shirt or jersey! I was ready with quick comebacks about how Oakland was way tougher than Seattle and that they'd never get out alive if they went to see the Mariners play on our turf (then again, neither would I...), but I didnt have to use any of it! People were nice. Children played and sang. No one threw beer or fists or broken shards of glass. The worst that got thrown was-GASP!-toilet paper! Oooh, not soft and snuggly toilet paper! Jeez, I was so disappointed. I wanted action, excitement, a real purpose for being there! All I got was baseball... Anyway, the atmosphere of a game, any live professional sport for that matter, is always cool. I people watched most of the time, but thats what made me happy. Donia was pleased just with my presence (set their expectations low, its easier that way), and she enjoyed every second of actual play. The good thing is that I dont have to go back til August. The bad thing is I have 7 games left to sit through. Hey, who knows, maybe Ill start a drunken riot and youll see me on ESPN. It may be the only way we ever see any action at, conveniently named, SAFEco Field... Here are my personal baseball stats for the season so far: Number of games attended: 3 Number of hot dogs consumed: 3 Number of children dragged to the game by their parents, sitting around us, not watching the game: at least 30 Number of people eating delicious-smelling "Garlic Rally Fries" in front of us while we envied them but maintained self control: 15 Number of miles walked to get to the stadium and home 3 days in a row: at least 7 Number of free energy drinks received: 4 Number of drunks crossing the street while the walk sign said Dont Walk, subsequently almost losing their lives: 3 *would have been wayyyy more in Boston* Number of arrests of drunks: 0 *see above comment* Number of disgusting men standing next to us chewing sunflower seeds and spitting them out in front of us onto the ground: 1 Number of times I participated in songs, dances, stretches, and "Moose" activities brought on by the mascot: 0 Number of babies changed right next to me on the bleacher, its dirty diaper carelessly tossed by the mom under the seat in front of us: 1 Number of times Donia screamed, "DIDYOUSEETHAT!?", where I lied and said, "Yeah! Cool/awesome/great!": I lost count Number of days til Donia forgets I went with her to make her happy: it better never happen!