"They tried to make me go to th' Grammy's...

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

...I said NO NO NO!"
Instead, miss Winehouse opted to perform via satellite. Bravo. More on this later...
So, as some of you may know, Im a huge fan of Awards shows; especially the Grammys. When I was young and did something wrong, my punishment would be to not allow me to watch awards shows! It was worse than Death! I remember being banished from the Grammys one year at age 7 or 8 and being able to hear MC Hammer perform from my bedroom and thinking how unfair and devastating it was to be punished! At that moment I studied when the shows would be on, and like kids around Christmas time, behave myself the week prior to ensure my viewing pleasure.
Last night I was so excited to watch the show. My favorite, of course, has always been the performances. To my delight, in recent years they have really started making that the focus of the show. They give out like 6 awards live, and the rest (110 as someone noted on the show last night) in an earlier ceremony. Thank God. Still, the show ran a bit long for me last night. Almost 4 hours, with the last half hour being a blur, whether it was because it was just God-awfully boring, or because I had been drinking since the pre-show (there wasnt actually a televised pre-show that I saw, just one I created at the apartment entailing me, Donia, the dogs, and some vodka and coke with leftover Chinese. Good turnout, though). Either way, After Amy W, it was downhill. I decided today that Id write a review of the show and give you my "Highs" and "Lows" of the evening. From fashion to performances to a few quality quotes I was delighted with. If you saw the show, follow along. If not, you can decide whether to even play it back on your DVR or just erase it and save the space...
Lets start with the "Highs". Of course, if you'd rather start with the "Lows", just scroll down and read that first. This is really an interactive blog today...
Here goes...
Highs
Carrie Underwood: Got love American Idol stardom, and you gotta love more how fantastic that set was for that song. She changed it up a bit (cuz shes prob dead tired of singing it) and, um hellllo! Those boots!! Fantastic, I want a pair, but only if they come with the legs that were in them so I can attach them to myself.
Beatles: Lifetime Achievement, of course. What a cool way to see it though, through Cirque Du Soleil. One of the best parts. P.S. How jacked was that woman on the ropes!!!???
Cindi Lauper and Miley Cyrus presenting song of the year, or whatever it was: Heres a high and a low in one. Cindi "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun" Lauper is still badd-ass, hands down. The hair, the dress falling off the shoulder, it could only be topped if shed come out with the half-shaved-head 'do from her early 80's vids. She's got a girl crush on Amy Winehouse, and she was so biased when reading that she was the winner. Loved it. Hated: Miley "My teeth are bigger than my dads music career" Cyrus. I cant stand the mouth, the eyes, the goth whore theyve turned her into in 6 short months. My Achy Breaky Eyes need a rest...
Though banished to the outdoors, how cute and funny was Jason Bateman?! What a shit job he got, having to announce the Grammy winner for "best person playing a stringed instrument that no one had ever heard of or cared about". He made that segment worthwhile, though, with his witty one-liners, which didnt seem to be scripted. Congrats to the violin player, who won by default because the voters decided shes the only one theyd actually consider sleeping with...
And good for her being able to play 1 of 100 instruments behind the Foo Fighters. They make me miss Kurt...
Ringo Starr: High because I think he was just that, HIGH! Where were all the other Beatles? Actual quote from Donia, who spoke too quickly, "Where's John?" "Dead". "Oh, yeah, I meant Paul". Ouch. You gotta love that he went straight up there in front of the guy that actually WON the award and said "Thank you, Im Ringo Starr". Weird cat.
Cher is on this list because she looks like she did when I first saw her at age 6. No, like seriously. Exactly the same. Gay men everywhere were in tears when she stepped out onto that stage. Shell play 200 shows in the next three years in Vegas. Can you say Las Gaygas?
Alicia Keys: Her second performance of the night. The one where she is with John Mayer, who was not spotlighted enough, might I add. She sounded good, unlike at the Super Bowl 2 weeks ago where she wore a wretched outfit, danced like a junior high schooler, and lipped the whole song. John should have had a vocal solo. Highlight of this, as well as highlight of the fashion night for me, was those black leather tights she wore under her dress! Are you kidding me!!?? I neeed those tights! Those tights are hot! Ill need a sparkly dress, too, but the tights must be mine! Be on the lookout...
Vince Gill: Now you know Im not into country at all. As a matter of fact, as they were playing excerpts from each nominees' songs, I had my eyes closed, and thought they were just playing a Garth Brooks album beginning to end. Its all the same to me. (and yes, ma, rap's all the same to you). So Gill wins it and goes onstage to Ringo Starr and accepts his award. He says "Wow, I cant believe I just got an award from a Beatle. Kanye, I bet you cant say youve ever had that..." HAHA! A hillbilly twang country bumpkin singer takin a dig at Kanye. It was brilliant. Notice, though, that it was immediatley followed up by an "Im just kidding" from Vince. He didnt want to be the next victim of a rap-game drive-by...but Go Gill!
Will.I.Am performed at the end of the show with a mini montage of great Grammy songs thru the years. It was really great, but way too short. They should have done more with it.
Beyonce came out, and normally Im not a B fan. Shes too much for me, too over the top. Thats why the choice for her to sing "Proud Mary" with the one and only Tina Turner was perfect. She didnt compare to Tina in the least bit, but she worked what she could out of it. Tina "Im a bad-ass motha" Turner should be buried in that outfit, hands down. Who wears that ever, nevermind in their 60's? Shes fab. Only she can do it. I was also ok with seeing B's hair short and blonde, best hair shes had in a while. And thank the Lord above, B was not dressed like a drag queen. Finally...
RiRi, as shes referred to, is none other than Rihanna, who I have been addicted to as of late. Shes such a cool performer to watch, and I love her edgy look. Her songs, eh; after Umbrella I was mildly disappointed with the rest, but I always give her a fair shot. Everytime I see her on TV I just love her, but this performance she did with TIME (who?) was just bad. Changed up the song a bit, fine, but the dress!!!??? Wheres the bondage girl outfits shes so famous for? No leather straps or belts or boots, just a frilly bird of a thing she wrapped around herself at the last minute! Dis-appointed to say the least. And her hair...bleh! Awful! Give me the angled bob, RIRI! This was a big low, but its in the highs because she did win an award and her acceptance speech, accompanied by Jay-Z, was playful and cute. Think miss Beyonce ever gets jealous...hmmm, cat fight?
Because Amy Winehouse couldnt make it there live, she couldnt be my number one, but she did make it to Top 2. Her performance was so much more than I expected. No crack, no gross ballet slippers, no blonde disaster of a hairdo. Just the good ole (yet a bit skinnier) Amy that we know and love. The beehive, the tats, the eyeliner back to the ears. Love love love her. She threw her husbands name into her songs a couple times. She said "For my Blake incarcerated" in her acceptance speech. Well, thats one way to put it, stand by your man I guess. She surprised me with her bouncing around and mini dance steps. And the best win of the night is when they announced that shed won record of the year. She froze, and then cuddled herself into the arms of one of her large black backup singers. Adorable. She couldnt have been cuter if she was a box of kittens. She actually seemed grateful and surprised. Stay off the crank, Amy, we love ya...
I saved my fav for last. Kanye F'in West. I just love him. I hate that hes so cocky, but I cant help but indulge myself in some Mr. West. The glow-in-the-dark jacket! I was glowing myself! Hes so great, so different, does so many things weve never seen before (though Eminem did once perform with a light up hoodie. We cant forget that.) The performance was my 1 because he didnt have a bunch of his "homies" onstage with him, he rapped the whole thing, he was so intense, he danced the whole time, and of course, the Mama part at the end. We almost cried. He let himself and who he was actually go for a moment and just sang to his mama, may she rest in peace. He almost cried too, and that makes for an excellent performance in my book.
Lows
Ill try to make this as simple as possible because I dont want it turning this blog into a low. Let me just say without the lows, I wouldnt have had time to make drinks or pee, so thank you, Grammys.
The opening number: We all love Frank, yes, but with Alicia Keys? Just didnt mesh for me. Old blue eyes just isnt the same from beyond the grave.
Who the hell is TIME, and why do they suck so bad? Did anyone tell that man that velour track pants and a paisley jacket is a no-no? Apparently not.
RiRi: Just wanted to say again how much I hated the hair. It was the same style as Prince's for God's sake!! Ok, Im done. Swear.
Speaking of...Prince=Gross. He thinks hes such a lady's man, when what he is is such a lady. Period.
The Band? Huh? Ohhhh, I see. Good time to pee.
Fergilicious bleh. No. Just no. Stop singing. Stop the facial plastic surgeries. Stop thinking youre good without the Black-Eyed Peas. Enough already. Just cuz you used to be all cranked out on Meth and now youre not doesnt mean you can just step on the stage and wail like a dying giraffe. Leave. And...John Legend! You should be ashamed of yourself! Promoting her as a good singer! Your punishmnet is to only be able to sell your new CD at Target. Oh, theyre already doing that. Oh, ok, i see. Ill think of a new punishment for you!! Disastrous!
Times I napped briefly:
Brad Paisley's performance. Aretha "biggest boobs on a human ever" Franklin's performance. The dueling pianos' performance. (Woke up halfway thru that one, actually, and had Donia knock me over the head so I could miss the rest).
Times I got up and made drinks/did shots to ease the pain:
Feist's performance (sorry Donia). Kid Rock and old lady Jane or whatever the hell her name was. Go back into retirement, or should I say the retirement home. Burt/Burk/Berth(?) Backarat.
Times I was able to take a pee break, often just hanging out in the bathroom because it was more interesting than the performer:
Anything to do with country. The piano guy who was 8 and is now 16 and back again and blah blah blah. Anything to do with a piano. Groban and his blind opera singing friend (sorry ma). Jerry Lee Whois? and his posse of oldies...its like the elderly bus let off at the wrong stop and just let everyone onstage.
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Quotes of the night:
"...And lazy in the chair over there, playing the chelo..."
~Jason Bateman making fun of the seated third contestant in the Grammy contest.
"...It would be in good taste to turn the music off now..."
~Kanye West, after taking too much time onstage and being drowned out by backround "wrap it up" music, while talking about his dead mama.
"My Blake Incarcerated"
~Amy W.
"Ill do whatever you want"
~ Old lady to Kid Rock, about what they should do onstage. (dont say that, lady!)
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The thing that made me laugh the most, in my sleepy drunken stupor, was Herbie Hancock winning album of the year. What?!! Know what I thought when he was named as a nominee? "Who the fuck is that?" and "That old guys never gonna win!" Oops, spoke too soon. Hes so old and decrepit that he was reaching for his speech, it fell out of his pocket to the floor, he didnt even know, and kept reaching for it! Stop making music! Go home! Pull the plug already!
I wasnt the only one appalled/surprised by his win. I heard Kanye gave up rap altogether and is now an ordained minister, the foo fighters killed themselves to joined Kurt, Vince Gill actually started a gang fight to be out out of his misery, and Amy Winehouse took a hit of her crackpipe. There goes rehab...NO NO NO!